Last November was when it all swiftly shifted in my head, like a boulder finally tumbling off a cliff.
I had been working multiple ~60 hour weeks in a row. My boyfriend was stuck at home with a litter of 10 puppies that he was caring for by himself for weeks now. Which means 24/7 puppy watching, feedings every 3 hours and zero sleep. Both of us seemed to be losing our sanity and yet we were both stuck away from each other, unable to help one another. I suddenly realized I’ve been making excuses for working all the time for the majority of my early 20s. I weirdly couldn’t remember much of any memories other than work. That seemed so weird to me. I’m 25 now. I just lived the first half of my “best years” that being my 20s and what do I have to show for it? Black under eye bags, bad skin, a shitty attitude and back pain? That didn’t seem right. Everything all of a sudden shifted in my head. I couldn’t keep doing this to my body, my mind, my life.
So I quit.
Literally in probably the worst time I could’ve. It was about to be The holiday season: everyone’s on vacation which means there’s no work. We have a litter of puppies at home that need to be fed and taken care of, all of which takes money. My home life was in shambles, but I realized that if something didn’t change, I’d lose everything that meant something to me, and I couldn’t let that happen. I took the risk.
I had had this conversation with so many people already “I’m 25, I might as well take risks now while I’m still young and can fail. I’m just waiting till I’m ready, till I have enough money saved up.” HAH. There is never a good time. Also, as a millennial, with college loan debt, a car payment, rent, utilities, food, commuting costs, everything… save money?! HAHAHAH.
So I just did it. I realized in that moment that the perfect time would never come and if I didn’t move now I’d find myself a year later in the same position, pissed off and daydreaming in my head.
I’m so weird, I literally cried in front of my boss when saying I’m quitting because I felt so bad that I was letting him down, and that I wasn’t going to be there to help him get through the shit storm that was our work at that time. Women right? Empaths to a crazy extent. And yet, his response was understanding and supportive.
There’s a weird dynamic that happens at a workplace where everyone is slightly unhappy but doesn’t talk about it. We all just swallow it down, from fear or worry of not having a future otherwise, and we trudge on. Even if it kills us in the process. This is the dream isn’t it? That’s what we’re told at least.
“You made it, be happy!”
I decided that no. This wasn’t me making it. There must be a version of life where I see sunshine daily, have time for passion projects and continue to make kickass work in the industry.